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If you have recently given birth
and are on this website late into the night - sleepless yet again
and searching for answers – you may be experiencing what
feels like the worst time in your life. Ironic isn't it, that
the birth of your child may have resulted in feelings that are
less than blissful?
We know you moms are out there, feeling lonely
and afraid and unsure of where to go from here. First it's vital
to know that you’re NOT alone, you’re NOT to blame
and with help, you WILL get better! This was something I wish
I had known at the time of my darkest days suffering with postpartum
depression. I gave birth to a beautiful healthy girl named Melina
in 2000. She was so very perfect in every way (and still is).
However, my heart was filled with overwhelming fear, sadness,
loneliness and depression.
She was undoubtedly the most beautiful gift from God that I had
ever received. But, I would sit in my room quietly and ask Him
if He would take the astonishing gift back or find a home that
was filled with love. I remember thinking that I would never get
better, so what’s the point of keeping her? My husband Michael
was suffering along side of me, trying to make sense of this then
nameless illness that had robbed him of his wife and Melina of
her mother.
The birth of my daughter should have been the happiest day of
my life, but it felt as if my life had just ended. I spent 5 days
in the hospital and during those 5 days I never held her, fed
her or changed her. I even spoke to one of the nurses about adoption.
Her first 9 months she lived at my parent’s house. I could
barely take care of myself, how could I expect to take care of
this small little being. I also had the most disgusting and intrusive
thoughts of not only harming myself, but harming my daughter.
I lost the first 9 months of my daughter’s life. At times
when I’m dusting photos of my daughter taken by my mother
or my husband in the first 9 months of her life, I break down
and sob. I sob because, I couldn’t be there for her and
share her first smile, her first cries. If it weren’t for
those precious photos, the truth is, I wouldn’t have any
recollection or memories of her first months on this planet.
Melina is now 8 and she is the lifeline to my heart. There’s
no one I can possibly love more than my precious Melina. She doesn’t
care that I didn’t change her, feed her or hold her for
the first 5 day’s of her life. She doesn’t even care
that she spent 9 months living at my parent’s house. The
only thing she really cares about is having her mommy around and
being loved by her mommy. The truth is, I always loved her. From
the moment I gave birth to her, I loved her. I just didn’t
know that at the time because I was suffering from a very real,
a very debilitating and disgusting illness called postpartum depression.
The truth is… POSTPARTUM
DEPRESSION SUCKS!! I can’t and won’t
sugar coat what I truly feel about an illness that wreaked total
havoc and chaos in my life, my husbands’ life and my family’s
life. Trust me, I can choose quite a few colorful words on how
I really feel about postpartum depression, but I need to have
some decorum! Every woman experiences postpartum illness differently
–some can’t sleep at all, some sleep too much, some
are agitated, some are very sad, so please don’t compare
yourself to others and think either, I’m not so bad, or,
I am worse than she is. You know yourself and if you’re
not yourself, please, please get help NOW.
I know you’re sitting reading this and feeling as if you
will not be able to get through the despair that postpartum depression
brings, but with the right help, you can be well again. Through
my words in this letter, please know my arms are embracing you
and your heavy heart with the hug of universal motherhood. Don’t
ever think that you’re alone. I hear you and I feel you.
Though we may never meet, I know you. And you know me.
I hope this letter soothes your heart, but don’t
let it end there. Please, please, call and reach out for help.
Postpartum Support International has an 800 number you can call
RIGHT NOW 1-800-944-4773 and find help in your state. In addition
to that, PSI offers free and anonymous Mom’s Chats every
Wednesday (www.postpartum.net) which you can join from the privacy
of your own home. Don’t let another day go by enduring suffering
that can turn to recovery. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE
NOT TO BLAME and WITH HELP, you WILL BE WELL.
Former
N.J. First Lady Mary Jo Codey, U.S. Senator Robert Menendez, Brooke
Shields, Sylvia Lasalandra, Susan Dowd Stone
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"I wish I had known, (been) informed in some way, but nobody
said anything to me about postpartum depression. The knowledge
of PPD is a tool that I believe all women deserve, and this bill
represents that tool and it's an easy gift to give women everywhere.
I urge Congress to pay attention and finally listen and not let
postpartum depression go undiagnosed and untreated. There's research
that needs to be done. Postpartum depression is a disease that,
like any other disease, we would want to inform people of and
offer treatment and research for. Now is the time to pass this
bill."
Brooke Shields
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